I miss my Grandma.

These are my reminscings and feelings about grandma.

As some of you may know I am currently getting settled into Susie's place. In the few weeks that I have been here unpacking and applying for jobs I visited grandma three times. Having been at school til early May I haven't had many opportunities to visit in the past few years (I'm sure this is the case with many grandchildren) after I had visited her I see how much grandma really needs visits, constantly. She wants assurance that her family is still present to show her love and affection.

I see mostly sadness and longing in grandma. In my opinion, (And I'm sure many of you would agree) this longing is for her old life which is the life she came to expect on a daily basis where she was on the farm with her loved ones and using her hands in the kitchen. I think this was not a fast change from happy to sad but a slow change that came into being on those days when she was preparing to leave the place that she most loved. In my opinion grandma hasn't been the same person since that day that the whole family gathered in the back yard by the shop to divy out her and grandpa's belongings. I remember that day whenever I use the old kitchen knife or dishes that were passed on to me.

In the few visits to see her in the last month the main messages coming from grandma were, "I want to go home," "please take care of me," "and why do they leave me here." What do you do when your grandma pleads these very requests to you?...I kissed her, stroked her hair and told her I loved her.

I also can't help thinking when I hear her requests that she will be home, all in good time.

I also find it difficult, when I am visiting her to talk about anything that isn't reminiscent of the past. This probably isn't good for her to think about all of the time because it creates a state of sadness. But it seems to pop up whenever I visit her. As many of you probably know, it is heartbreaking to witness her continually relive the realization that grandpa has passed. There must be better ideas for conversation. Any ideas?

On a happy note, I did take Barb's advice and read her one of her children's books on my first visit to Calloway Gardens. It soothed her for a while. On my third visit I left her eating snacks for a few tunes and played the piano. I turned around to see her sobbing but got an applause and some nice inspirational comments from one of the residents (though I did not really understand the comments ;) ).

Love to you all. Terry